Super Sexy Pictures

Abduction

2006-11-10T19:44:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted anything in a while... But there is a very good reason. 2 weeks ago I was abducted by aliens. I swear to God. There names were Jorge and Miguel. We drank Tequila every night with super sexy senoritas and laughed and laughed and laughed.

Up yours doc.

Evil Alien Farmer Devil Guy...

2006-10-19T17:45:00.000-07:00

I spend far too much time thinking about Ninjas and Aliens.
I reject the popular notion that Aliens are super intellgient. I also reject the slightly less popular notion that Aliens are evil murderous scary monsters. Instead, I like to imagine that Aliens are not too different from us, they probably even have farmers who wear blue overalls... But instead of corn or wheat, they harvest other Aliens heads with purple pitch-forks. Because, afterall, they are aliens.

Here's one of him in Green to make all of you feel more comfortable

Stop being so narrow minded.

The only thing better than robots...

2006-10-17T19:49:00.000-07:00

...are sexy robots... Super Sexy Robots.

But don't think I forgot about the ladies...

This one is for all the Foxy Female Fans of the SSP:

What a pair of Boners

I'm working...

2006-10-12T18:19:00.000-07:00

...and it sucks.

I shouldn't complain because I'm making $20/hour for doing nothing, and it IS just a temp job until my real job starts, but I swear it is boring as hell. You have no idea. Or maybe you do... Does anyone else stare at a computer screen ALL DAY LONG??? Probably. Maybe I should stop bitching and paint something...

This is me at work:

This is the opposite of me at work:

Any questions?

100 Comments... Not that exciting...

2006-10-04T16:13:00.000-07:00

Well folks, we did it. 100 Comments. So now what??? Other than being called a racist, fag stalker (not a stalker of fags, a stalker who IS a fag) I really don't have much to show for it... So, in the spirit of not having much to show, I bring you a little something I like to call:

"Gross Pictures of Paris Hilton"

Paris Hilton's weird butt:

and:

Paris Hilton's even WEIRDER crotch and inside ass cheek area... blech.

I hope you all missed me.
I'm sure that you did.
Because I'm totally sweet.
And my blog is super sexy.

READY SET GO!!!

2006-09-21T14:43:00.000-07:00

FIRST!!!

SECOND!!!

Random Awesomeness

2006-09-19T16:55:00.000-07:00

This is my MS Painting of Cookie Monster...

This is you...

This is innapropriate for children...

This is Lindsay Lohan in a bikini...

This is the opposite... (and your girlfriend)

Pardon me while I have a TOTAL NERDGASM

2006-09-15T09:26:00.000-07:00

Ok. Now which one's your favorite and why?

Lindsay Lohan Painting

2006-09-13T15:12:00.000-07:00

This is a little awkward considering I used to date Lindsay Lohan's vagina for a while, but here is a MS Painting using a selection of the beautiful colors of her hoo-ha...

For a non-distorted image (if you're in to that sort of thing) try: http://www.thesuperficial.com/image.php?path=/2006/09/13/lindsay_lohan_vagina_again.jpg NSFW!!!
(Thanks Margaret for finding this picture... perv)

Beautiful isn't it? Man I oughta get some real paint one of these days...

Flexible girls...

2006-09-12T13:40:00.000-07:00

So Sexy

What part of her body do you think made this noise?

P.I.M.P.

2006-09-07T21:15:00.000-07:00

Man head

Helicopter head

Unibomber head

Hat head

Poop head.

You're head's officially been pimped...

Steve Irwin, I SHALL AVENGE THEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Senor Cheeseburer 1, Stingray... well 1...

2006-09-06T09:12:00.000-07:00

OH MY GOD IT'S HIM!!!

I got you now you SON OF A BITCH! I think theres a few people here at the SSP that might want to have a word with you...

"Crikey! Thanks Senor Cheeseburger! Now my spirit can rest in peace"

3 Day Weekend, 7 Comments???

2006-09-04T21:27:00.000-07:00

Fuck you guys.

MTV in Association with ManBearPig

2006-09-01T14:14:00.000-07:00

What in the hell is wrong with the world? Did I actually see Al Gore on the MTV awards last night??? What band is he in again? What instrument does he play? What's his chart topping #1 single? When does his tour kick off? Has he released a celebrity sex tape I don't know about?

:::Al Gore Voice:::

"Now peeeeeple, ya have to understaaaand Glooobal Warming makes things hot. In 3,000 years, teeeemperture's could pottentiallllly increase as much as one and a half degreeees."

For those of you who had something better to do, Al fucking Snore was introduced in the middle of the already immensely boring award show to talk about, what else, global warming, the safest, most mind-numbingly boring and irrelevant topic in the world.

So he saunters on stage like the complete douche that he is, makes some reference to Justin Timberlake and proceeds to give, I swear to God, a power-point presentation on global warming IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MTV MUSIC AWARD SHOW! He shows some pictures of glaciers, spews out some ridicuolously false statement about global warmig causing more severe storms today then ever before, gives us requisite "I'm here to save the world (and you can help me)" sort of line, then walks off the stage like he's the god damn messiah.

Thanks MTV, very entertaining, very rock & roll...
It's comforting to know that I can't even watch the MTV Music Award without being bombarded with this kind of political garbage. And by comforting I mean the exact opposite of comforting. Although I suppose I should have expected it from MTV, these are the same people who brought us "Vote or Die"
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Letting You Into My World

2006-08-31T19:58:00.000-07:00

Letting you guys into my world here. This is me all dressed up for an interview Yes, I am that good looking. See, I just got myself a graduate degree that cost a lot of money and that

none of you would believe I actually have so I won't even mention it... Thing is, I don't want a job in this field, I want to be a FRIGGIN NINJA.

But it's so damn hard to break into the Ninjitsu field. Think about it, first you have to actually find a ninja which is like, pretty much impossible... I mean they're FRIGGIN NINJA'S! Hiding is pretty much "their thing." Second, you would have to approach one quietly enough so that you don't give away his position, but not so quietly that he mistakes you for an enemy and totally flips out and stabs you in the face with his poison tipped, glow in the dark, throwing nunchaku's. (trust me, they exist)

But don't take it from me, take it from this guy, a REAL NINJA who sent me this video from an undisclosed location after receiving my resume:

Ask A Ninja: Ninternship

If you didn't laugh your ass off at that you are either too old or too jaded to remember what it's like to be struggling to figure out what you want to do with your life after you can't possibly edjumocate yourself any further... Or you're just a jerk with no sense of humor...

Watch it again, ya jerk.

Worst Day of My Life

2006-08-30T11:13:00.000-07:00

So, this afternoon I thought it would be fun to take pictures of one of my girlfriends, Lindsay Lohan, with my new camera. It's got really great telephoto lens. I told her I was going for a run on the beach and waited for her to go outside and catch some sun so I could take some pretty candid pictures of my love...

You won't believe who showed up just minutes after I walked out the door.

DAMN YOU DEEPAK!!!
WHY HER???
YOU COULD HAVE ANYONE IN THE WORLD!!!
AND WHERE IN THE HELL IS YOUR FINGER?!?!

CURSE YOUR BOYISH CHARM, ACTING TALENT AND MUSTACHE!

Ernesto the Cat, RIP

2006-08-28T08:33:00.000-07:00

Stupid Cat

I bet my girlfriends new kitten, Ernesto, $100 that he couldn't drink a dixie cup full of Jack Daniels without passing out...

Needless to say, I won and, per the terms of our bet, ate Ernesto.

I'm so Confused

2006-08-24T10:00:00.000-07:00

Oh my God

OH MY GOD!

Well I got a very busy weekend here so I thought I'd leave you with a few pictures of my two girlfriends... I have to figure out which one to date so I'm open to your suggestions, I need all the help I can get. Lindsay or Natalie??? Why???

Enjoy the pictures, I did. At least 6 times this morning as a matter of fact.

Pics of Me, Natalie Portman and My Chicken

2006-08-19T20:47:00.000-07:00

Me, my girlfriend (you may recognize her from such films as Star Wars, The Professional, Star Wars, Beautiful Women, Star Wars etc...) Natalie Portman and her unbelievably sexy ass making a quick run to Blockbuster to rent a few movies, maybe get some popcorn, hump like rabid chupacabras, you know, the usual. It's how I live foks.

Oh, and here's a picture of my chicken:

"Maybe I DO wanna be a french-fry!"

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He wants to be a french-fry.

Aim Small Miss Small...

2006-08-18T14:51:00.000-07:00

.Allah be praised

Naked Pictures of Lindsay Lohan... Sort of...

2006-08-17T15:08:00.000-07:00

I don't care if she's a coked-out, talentless, ass-clown with serious personal issues and the most fucked up parents this side of Jessica Simpson, I would still lovingly bathe each and every inch of her soft, supple, cocaine and sweat flavored, freckled body with my tongue...

"What, Senor Cheeseburger," you may ask, "is it that you love about Lindsay Lohan?" Well dear reader, I love the following:

Lindsay Lohan's freckles
Lindsay Lohan's breasts
Lindsay Lohan's nipples
Lindsay Lohan's tits
Lindsay Lohan naked
Lindsay Lohan nude
Lindsay Lohan's feet
Lindsay Lohan bikini
and
Lindsay Lohan candid

There, that ought to get some google hits for the ol' SSP!

Anyway, great party last night Linds, call me later!

Seize the Day

2006-08-17T10:47:00.000-07:00

So now what?

All Eyez on Deepak!!!

2006-08-12T10:54:00.000-07:00

Deepak Shakur, the strange & terrible saga...
Pimp's up, ho's down, biatch!
http://deepakgopi.blogspot.com/

Brown Suga, How Come You Taste So Good?

2006-08-10T21:42:00.000-07:00

I painted this one for all the big-bootie-ho's out there visiting the SSP.
You ever want some cream in your coffee you know where to find me.

Word to your mothers and baby daddies.

Ladies and Gentlemen, It's Awesome Time

2006-08-10T17:01:00.000-07:00

Pimpin ain't easy... Even if you're David Hasselhoff

My head literally just exploded 14 times.

"woosh-woosh...woosh-woosh"

The True Devourer of Worlds

2006-08-09T20:51:00.000-07:00

The end of the world. Dig it.

Heaven

2006-08-08T14:43:00.000-07:00

Jessica Simpson nude, in my apartment, holding two beers, with a bottle of vodka between her legs, ordering a pizza and paying with a big ol' bag of money after calling her sister Ashley to come over and slipping me some viagra... Like I said, heaven.

One day Senor Cheeseburger... We'll get there... One day...

Check Out the Ass on This Girl!!!

2006-08-08T14:12:00.000-07:00

Get it???
Ass???

God I'm bored...

Mission Highly Improbable:

2006-07-31T09:08:00.000-07:00

Yeah, yeah, yeah I know I haven't updated in a while so what? Don't you have anything better to do than check this site for pictures of Jessica Simpson's feet and Lindsay Lohan's tits??? Oh wait, "We come for the comic book pictures and witty banter Senor Cheeseburger!" Please...

Anywho, rather than apologizing for the lack of updates I will invite you to join me on my top-secret mission to India to meet with Deepak the Great face-to-face. In only two posts on his blog he has already unlocked the secret to "living a great life." I must determine, for myself, whether this man, if he truly is a man, is a threat or... an angel sent from heaven... It is a rare opportunity as he lives high atop a mountain and only allows 2 guests a year within the walls of the Gopi Temple... No I'm not one of them... That's why I need your help...

I have a plan. Without getting bogged down in the details, it involves a half-eaten tub of goat-cheese, a 9-Iron, 30 yards of watermellon flavored fruit roll-ups, a trained howler-monkey and 2 dozen pink, ribbed for her pleasure, french-tickler condoms with the resevoir tips.

Should you choose to accept this misson please reply below and let me know whether you want a vegetarian meal on your flight and if you have any special skills (e.g. nunchaku's, computers, pet howler monkey etc... etc...) that might aid us in our quest...

Your computer will probably not self-destruct.

This is all the intel we could gather on our target: http://deepakgopi.blogspot.com/

The Next Big Thing: Deepak the Great

2006-07-27T17:56:00.000-07:00

Look at this man's eyes
Then look at his blog
He will change your life
Thank you, Deepak.

http://deepakgopi.blogspot.com/

Just do it.
Trust me.
Do it.

It's the next big thing.

Lindsay Lohan and the Fantastic Google Searches:

2006-07-27T14:17:00.000-07:00

Top 3 Google Searches which landed the poor Googler at SSP:

1) "Super Sexy Blob"
2) "Pictures of Snowboarders on the Bunny Slope"

And my personal favorite:

3) "Zak Morris Butt Pictures"

OK FINE, HERES A PICTURE!!!

A pictoral collage of Lindsay Lohan's humps and lovely lady lumps... Microsoft Paint colors sampled from said lumps and lumps. Enjoy.

Good grief I need help...

Ladies and Gentlemen, Ms. Sherri Dykes

2006-07-27T14:15:00.000-07:00

Beware of Overweight Man!!!

2006-07-23T07:08:00.000-07:00

"One of the strangest super-foes of all."

Hello pot, meet kettle.

Really? The "strangest" of all??? Come on! It's just a guy with mild obesity!

I see a guy with sprouting wings on his back swoopin' through the air trying to sodomize the poor guy, some chick shooting squiggly lines out of her skull while her boyfriend's shooting friggin lasers-beams out of his eyes, some hairy-ass clown with a foot fetish trying to shove his feet all up in the guy's face (notice the yellow lines which indicate "stinky") and a friggin snowman tossin' around icicles like Ralphy on crack... AND THE FAT GUY IS THE STRANGE ONE???

Please! Poor guy probably just woke up and was trying to get dressed in time to make it to McDonalds for a couple sausage egg mcmuffins... He's only got a par of boxers on and these assholes come barging in throwing snowballs, trying to mount him and making fun of his weight problem! It's like a bad Jackass episode.

I'm fed up. Clearly society has a lot of growing up to do. And what's with the nickname? "The Blob" I can guaran-god-damn-tee that "The Blob" wasn't HIS choice.

Everyone else gets to pick their own cool name... Iceman, Cyclops, The Beast, Marvel Girl... He gets stuck with "The Blob." Nice.

Jessica Simpson's Feet: An Inspiration

2006-07-18T21:25:00.000-07:00

Seriously, I know Jessica Simpson is the most beautiful woman on the planet, but who could have ever predicted that anyone (even me!) could create the most beautiful Microsoft Paint Painting ever made in history using only the colors and shades found in one, perfect, big toe???

Weep you dullards, you neandrathals, weep at the beauty. Weep in envy of my talent. WEEP DAMN YOU!

I love you Jessica, I'm sorry I never called.
I hope you can forgive me

Love,

Senor Cheeseburger

When You're in High School, You'll do Anything to get Laid

2006-07-17T21:55:00.000-07:00

Wow Arch! I'm suprised you have enough strength left in your arms to carry the girl after... well... you know...

What a guy...

What a really, really, really gay guy.

Ditch the Zero, Get With a Hero? Pt. 6

2006-07-12T14:05:00.000-07:00

An Optometrists Wet Dream,
The Ten-Eyed-Man!!!

- Booga-Booga-Booga!
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Don't be Racist: Having 10 Eyes IS TO a Super-Power!

Real Name: Philip Reardon
Occupation: Rent-a-cop turned Super-Villian
Special Abilities: 20/20/20/20/20/20/20/20/20/20/20/20/20/20/20/20/20/20/20/20 vision

Philip Reardon was "Special Forces" in Vietnam until he was honorably discharged after a grenade fragment hit him between the eyes. After surviving all kinds of horrible shit in Vietnam, he returned to the safety and calm of civilian life as a warehouse guard and subsequently got his ass kicked by a bunch of thieves who, for whatever reason also planted a bomb to blow up the warehouse. Que the Batman:

When he regains consciusness he mistakes Batman for one of the thieves (thieves usually dress up as Batman) and subsequently receives a tremendous ass-whopping at the hands of the caped crusader. Long story short: Batman kicks his ass, warehouse blows up, eyeballs get fried, he goes blind.

Rather then let his disability get him down however, Reardon seeks out a brilliant doctor who concludes that rather than just fixing his eyes, he will reconnect his optic nerves to his fingertips. Simple!

Now that he can see through his fingers, he becomes a Super-Villian named The-Ten-Eyed-Man (why wouldn't you). His power, 360 vision through his fingers.

As impressive as that sounds, its the friggin worst power in history and he gets his ass beaten all over the place even by a semi-retarded, man-bat hybrid creature who neutralizes the Ten-Eyed-Man's super power by throwing a shrubbery at him (imagine catching a shrubbery with your eye-balls). He is eventually thrown in prison with his hands locked inside a box so he can't see anything

"Because of his abilities, Reardon has 360-degree vision, without the box escape would be 'child's play' for him."

Questions That Need Answeringu:
1) All 10 "eyes" in the box? Could a guy with one "eye" really escape???
2) If I spin around real fast it's almost 360-degree vision... Superhero???
3) What about his "one-eyed monster"??? The Eleven-Eyed-Man???

Superman Returns!!!

2006-07-08T12:36:00.000-07:00

Holy Jabrony!

Superman Returns made me crap my pants. Go see it right now!

Without giving too much away, this is the best superhero movie ever made, bar none. "But wait Senor Cheeseburger!" You exclaim, "You are just some idiot with a laptop and a 4th graders knowledge of Microsoft Paint, how can we trust you to give us an accurate motion-picture review?" Well friends, don't take it from me:

9 out of 10 doctors and Captain America himself agree:
"Superman Returns rocks serious BALLS!!!"

"We're Doctors and we loved it!"

"A great family film and for a limited time only, bring your own minority and get in 1/2 price!!!"

"Superman looks tho thexy in his wittle bwoo thuit! Our favorite part was when he jumps out of the closet! Tee-hee-hee."

"Do I look like the kind of woman who would pay to see a movie called superMAN?"

"DAMN IT, I knew I ain't this baby daddy!"

"Super-strength........... Super-speed............. Super-stamina............. Super-breath............. Super-hearing............. Heat-ray-vision............... X-ray-vision................. Still gets his ass kicked by a bald guy with a wad of money! Know what I got baby? A friggin' shield. That's right, 10,000 Nazi's versus me and a hunk of metal made fer throwin'. Who's super now???"

"So... You ever been inside the Avengers Mansion?"

See!

Would you PLEASE stop being such an A-Hole???

2006-07-07T14:38:00.000-07:00

If I Were a Ninja: A Haiku

2006-07-03T16:18:00.000-07:00

(In case you didn't know: REAL Ninjas wear purple all the time and are totally comfortable with it. Furthermore, that is not "artistic license", the Weed Whacker, in the hands of a master, is the single most devastating tool at a Ninjas disposal... Except for Snap-Bracelets... Snap-Bracelets are the most devastating tool at a Ninjas disposal followed closely by the Weed Whacker... I'm serious. It's science)

My Bitchin' Haiku'
"If I Were a Ninja"

Back-flip, stabbing rage
Mystical head explosions
Hot asian chicks too.

- Senor Cheeseburger

Leave a friggin Haiku if you think you got what it takes!!!
You know the routine 5-7-5.

Sunday Morning: 23rd Annual Lambda Homo Epsilon Fraternity Camping/Kegger BLOWOUT!!!

2006-06-26T20:48:00.000-07:00

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"Dude, me and Pig-Pen totally scarfed all your pills last night and took turns butt-stroking Pledge Meatball after he passed out... Shhh... Don't tell my girlfriend."

The only thing better than soccer is everything else

2006-06-24T23:36:00.000-07:00

Soccer is unique. It's the only sporting event, outside of the Special Olympics, where the fans are tougher than the professional divers, I mean actors, I MEAN ATHELETES!

China's star midfielder, Sum Fuk King Gy being fouled. He's a tough competitor though and has already scored two goals in this years World Cup.

The Italian team running one of their most important team oriented soccer drills.

Swedens own Byorn Fatnugly in yesterdays 2-2 tie against England.

Too Subtle?

2006-06-24T15:54:00.000-07:00

(Dick and Clark out playing with Bruce's dingy)

I had originally drafted a pretty substantial thesis (hence the lack of updates) establishing a DaVinci Code'esq conspiracy which undeniably linked the ACLU, NAMBLA, Al Qaeda, Hot Pockets, and Richard Grieco to a dastardly plot to take over the world; the proof of which was in a series of secret clues in this picture apparent only to those few people who knew what to look for. It was to be my masterpiece, but then I figured that the above picture probably speaks for itself... Besides if I took up too much space I wouldn't be able to include a picture of Grieco.

Oddly enough, this picture also immortalizes the day Robin discovered his sexuality (just look at that smile)... Regretably it was months after "Bruce" discovered it in the bat-cave against his will.

Super Abusive Man

2006-06-24T15:39:00.000-07:00

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Whatever Superman, I've seen this exact situation played out 100 times on Lifetime and it NEVER works out well for the girl.

Get out of there lady!

RUN!!! RUN!!!

AND THE WINNER IS:

2006-06-24T15:35:00.000-07:00

Jaye Wells, http://jayeblahg.blogspot.com/ the homemaker with a heart of gold and the most loyal reader of the SSP to date. Sorry about making you look like a South Park character...

Ditch the Zero, Get With a Hero? Pt. 5

2006-06-14T18:49:00.000-07:00

Real Names: Squiggles and Mr. Macaroni
Occupation: Unknown
Powers: Unknown
Sex: Unknown

Allright, I pretty much invented these guys myself, but they sure as heck look like super heroes to me! It's still unclear exactly who is who but I'm of the school of thought who believe the monkey is Mr. Macaroni. I mean, look at him.

I can't muster up the energy to create a back story for these idiots so I was hoping of you, my devoted fan base, could come up with spastically boombastic origin for these guys full of totally awesome crap like "artificial insemination" and "hot, homoerotic, tiger on human/mutant-butterfly hybrid, pseudo-bestiality, rectal prolapsed, double jeopardy XBOX 360gasms."

Man I hope so...

P.S. I will personally draw and post a personalized Microsoft Paint picture of the author of the winning story right HERE at supersexypictures FREE OF CHARGE!!!

Ready, set, go!

Whats my name BI@TCH!!!???

2006-06-13T17:30:00.000-07:00

CHEESEBURGERS ARE GOOD FOR MY BELLY!!!

AND YOU KNOW THIS!!!

Ditch the Zero, Get With a Hero? Pt. 4

2006-06-10T12:58:00.000-07:00

The bane of white snowboarders on the bunny slope,
I give you, THE BLACK RACER!!!

Name: The Black Racer
Occupation: Staying black and racing/God of Death (really)
Race: Black
Favorite Color: Black
Hobbies: Racing (while black)

Got a good one for ya here kids. "The Black Racer" in the DC Comics universe, is actually the grim spectre of "Death" itself. But the real reason why this guy totally rocks balls is because he is a black guy on skis... Nevermind the fact that he is a semi-divine, immortal, harbringer of death who can pass through walls, travel at the speed of light and warp that whole "Space-time continuum" thing, I see that stuff everyday, this is a black guy ON FRIGGIN SKIS!

Another reason why I love this guy is because he's one of those hero's who feels it necessarry to add "Black" to the front of the name just so there's no confusion about his ethnic background... like he's some sort of affirmative action program or something... What's wrong with just being "The Racer"??? You don't see other heroes running around with names like "The Chinese Howler Monkey" or "The Uzbekistani Lightning Bug."

"HOLD IT Senor Cheeseburgers!" You say to yourself, "Maybe 'black' is in reference to his totally awesome, black, ski-suit."

WRONG!!! Now go sit in the corner stupid.

Questions that need answering:
Why is he using poles with water-skis?
Why does death need to wear a helmet?

Adios Asshole

2006-06-10T12:45:00.000-07:00

The Bell Can't Save you Pu$$ies Now

2006-06-07T17:42:00.000-07:00

Grudge Match:

Zack "The Preppy" Morris

vs.

A.C. "LMNOP" Slater

THE MASSACRE AT THE MAXX

(in association with Supersexypictures.blogspot.com)

(Don't flex man. Hey! Are you flexing? I'm not flexing. Don't flex)

"I'm so excited, I'm so excited, I'm so... scared"

Winner: Slater

Ditch the Zero, Get With a Hero? Pt. 3

2006-06-06T13:35:00.000-07:00

Evil, German, double amputees UNITE!!!
I Bring you: THE ARMLESS TIGER MAN!

Real Name: Hertz (as in it 'hurts' to get your arms chopped off)
Occupation: Retired day laborer/Nazi
Professional Organizations: Machine Haters Anonymous (MHA)

Holy smokes I think I crapped my pants!!! This is probably the coolest thing I've ever seen. This crazy bastard might have the lamest super-powers in the history of comics (but don't worry I'll keep looking). Wanna know what they are? Are you ready? He doesn't have any arms! That's it. That's his super-power.

So, without further ado, I bring you the epic story of the Tiger-Man...

In his youth, Hertz worked in a mechanical laboratory in Munich, Germany presumably making crap for Hitler. Everything was great until his arms got caught in a machine and subsquently ripped from his body in a bloody, horrible mess. After years of training, he learnt how to use his feet in place of his hands and set off to use his newfound prowess to... destroy... all... machines... Which, of course, he blamed for costing him his arms. Being an insane German, the Gestapo felt he would make an ideal government employee, and when they learnt of his hatred of machines they all sat around collectively brushing their little Hitler mustaches with glee until they decided to send him off to America to... kick... our... machines...
Now, I suppose learning how to use your feet as well as your hands could come in real "handy" in a fight; you would essentially have 4 hands to pummel your opponent into submission (and be totally awesome in bed). Anyway, the thing is, Tiger Man has no arms to begin with, so at best he's just a crazy German with two, smelly hands and an awesome haircut...

Questions that need answering:
1) How the hell did he get into a full length, yellow leotard with no hands?
2) More importantly, how does he get out of it to go to the bathroom?
3) MORE importantly, how does he wipe? Those toe-nails look sharp!
4) Could he kick (pun intended) Kite-Man's ass? Howabout The Red Bee?

Ditch the Zero, Get With a Hero? Pt. 2

2006-06-04T19:00:00.000-07:00

Anablephobics beware:
The most dangerous villain alive on a windy day... KITE-MAN!!!

Real Name: Charles "The Kite-Man" Brown
Occupation: Licensed Criminal Aviator

Ohhhhhh Kite-Man... Seriously, what were you thinking? You've tied yourself to an oversized childrens plaything and put on a pair of your sisters favorite pajamas. How does being strapped to a giant kite actually aid you in your criminal pursuits? You have to take the stupid thing off before you can fit through the bank's front door and you can't make your escape until you find a precocious nine year old to hold the string tied around your waist and run as fast as he can in the opposite direction! Rain - screwed, lighting - really screwed. Plus at the end of the day, no matter how many capers you manage to pull off, your name is still "Kite-Man."

"Dr. Doom" and "Kite-Man" walk into a super-villain singles bar. Guess who is going home alone? I mean, one is a Doctor and one has a kite tied to his back.

Ditch the Zero, Get With a Hero? Pt. 1

2006-06-04T14:36:00.000-07:00

Apiphobics and Law Clerks beware:
I give you... THE RED BEE!!!

Real Name: Rick Raleigh
Occupation: Assistant District Attorney (no, really)

Now this guy was great. He had no super powers whatsoever, but he DID have pet bee named "Michael" that he carried around in a secret compartment in his belt. That's it. A guy with trained bee. Amazingly enough, he felt this made him pretty super, so he donned red and yellow striped spandex and a pair of totally bitchin' blue boots to fight crime (especially Nazi's) as "The Red Bee." Oddly enough his pet bee wasn't even red which makes this poor man's particular psychosis even more difficult to identify.

I suppose if his opponents were allergic to bees he could be quite a ferocious adversary... but don't bees die after stinging someone??? Does he have to train a new bee after every fight??? Would The Red Bee sacrifice Michael's life for one good sting on Hitler's ass??? Questions that need answering.

Sweet camel-toe by the way.

Real World Experience

2006-06-04T12:26:00.000-07:00

What's it going to be like for these retards that have been on the real world/road rules/challenge/ for the last 10 years of their life when they discover that this fact doesn't impress anyone but seriously inebriated college freshman?

Other than a shot at guest hosting a show on MTV37, Wednesday nights @ 3:00 a.m., how employable are these people really? What in the hell is "The Miz" going to talk about during an interview?
Mr. Fancypants > Let's see here... Is it Mike?
The Fuckin Miz > Actually it's "The Miz."
Mr. Fancypants > Ok, "The Miz," what can you do for our company?
The Fuckin Miz > "Well dude, I've been on the Real World shows for the last 8 years and would have won last years Real World/Road Rules challenge but I got so friggin wasted that I made out with the cameraman... Oh man... But on a serious note, my real passion is in professional wrestling both of which, I think, will make me an invaluable asset here at Globocom Financial."

(shut up foo' I'm the Miz!)

Ladies and gentlemen, The Rubber BAND!!!

2006-06-04T01:09:00.000-07:00

These guys rock hard... I mean they can really bust it out... er...